The Inescapable Post

…in which I explain why I’m a virgin.

In my previous blog post, I mentioned how not having sex is a choice I’ve made more due to the life I’ve lived than the religion I follow. I mean, yes, I’m a Christian, but I’m also not opposed to extra-marital sex, mainly because…well, that might be a post for another day. Suffice it to say that, while it did in my childhood, religion doesn’t have much to do with my choice to abstain nowadays.

No, my reasons are more based on life experiences…most prominently, the experience of living in a single-parent home. I’m certain you can guess that my father wasn’t present, but it goes a little deeper than that. I was raised by my mother and older sister, and while we were never homeless, we did struggle quite a bit. I watched her get up every morning and drive a literal hour away to a job that probably didn’t pay well (I never asked) just to keep us afloat. I watched my sister get into angsty teenage shenanigans, and later came to realize that the lack of a strong male figure probably had some sort of affect on her, just like it did myself. When we moved to where our extended family lived while I was in middle school, I started seeing more things involving young girls and young boys who weren’t ready for the consequences of their actions, and seeing the girl forced to take responsibility for it alone.

It was about in high school, after seeing this multiple times, that I decided that I would never do that, I would never lay with a girl if I wasn’t ready for the consequences of what might happen. I would never force someone to go through what my mom went through. I would never let a kid that I helped create be part of the 2/3 of all black kids who grow up in single-parent homes (not without first trying to raise them together, at least). It was a decision I stuck by through high school, but it began looking like a harsh decision in college. After all, those kids in high school didn’t know what they were doing, surely adults are much more mature and responsible about these things? That’s what I began to believe…until the same thing happened to a very close family member. One single night resulted in a(n incredibly awesome) child raised without a father, and my decision was reaffirmed. I refuse to be that guy. I will not lay with any woman unless I was confident that I wouldn’t leave her should something happen.

And I haven’t yet.

That’s my specific reason for remaining a virgin today. But even now, that decision is still fading. Most prominently, my mother professed to me three years ago after I first met my father that I was not, as I understandably assumed, an accidental child (despite the fact that the first time my father ever laid eyes on me was in 2011). This news alone was enough for me to re-evaluate what I thought I knew about myself. Added to that the fact that I took a college Human Sexuality course, that I’ve seen long-term sexual relations go on and on with no children, and that my body keeps crying out to me, “Fuck someone!” and I’m starting to become open to the idea of removing my strict stipulations on sex.

But not too much, because while I don’t need to be married to do it for the first time, I still want it to be with someone I truly, deeply care for. I’ve heard plenty of testimonials from close friends about how they wished they could share their first time with the ones they really loved, and I want that, too. Whoever ends up being my first time, I want them to know that I didn’t give up my virginity to just any girl.  Us virgins (both male and female) are a rare breed, and when I give up my virginity to someone, even if we aren’t married, she’ll know that she’s worthy of it.


2 thoughts on “The Inescapable Post

  1. also an older black virgin. i may not have held the same convictions you had, however, i had similar reasons to not want to hook up when i was younger. i wanted to be in a position to handle the consequences of my actions. and i definitely understand the need to step up as a man if you wind up conceiving children.

    btw, you haven’t posted in a year. why?


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